He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
