my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
