Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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