Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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