Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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