I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
