Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
