Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
