WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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