there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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