Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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