She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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