in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
