do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
