After last night, I could never be a politician.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
