woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
