I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
