I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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