Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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