if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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