yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
