i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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