dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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