my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
