Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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