I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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