I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This toilet bowl is my home.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
