I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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