I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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