oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
