I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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