so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
