p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
