Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
