The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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