im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize