Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This is my gift to your gina
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
