Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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