I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sorry my hands just texted you
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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