way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
