That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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