I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
