Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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