i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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