Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
