PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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