If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Randomize
