The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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