That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
