Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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