Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
