I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
