At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize