I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
