watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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