His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
