I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
