She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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